Top Ten Books I Will Probably Never Read

Top Ten Tuesday 2

We talk all the time about the books we’re anticipating and the books we’ve loved, but we don’t usually talk about books we have decided that we’ll never read. There are plenty of reasons to decide not to read a book: not in a genre you like, written by an author you dislike, etc. But most of our “nah, I’m not going to read that” feelings come in passing. For me, at least, I could walk into a bookstore and find ten books on one shelf that I wouldn’t want to read, but it’s harder to think of books off the top of my head that I’ve filed away under “Don’t Read This.” Even so, I was able to come up with some of those, and here they are:

1. The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Mitch Albom. Schmaltzy, inspirational books are decidedly not my taste—I thought The Alchemist was the stupidest thing I ever read, and though I enjoyed Tuesdays With Morrie when I read it, I don’t really have any desire to read it again.

2. Ulysses – James Joyce. Anything that you basically need a translation/analysis guide to read is, in my opinion, just simply not worth reading. If the author had anything important to say, don’t you think he would have done it in plainer language? Maybe I’m biased after reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Mana masturbatory piece of navel-gazing garbage if there ever was one—and I know there are some (crazy, masochistic) people out there who apparently love Joyce, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

3. Twilight – Stephenie Meyer. Four books about an angsty teenager and her super-angsty century-old-but-still-hot vampire boyfriend/husband? Ummmmm, no thank you.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey – E. L. James. Talk about masturbatory—but seriously, just no. The quasi-relationship in Twilight is weird and abusive enough without some non-consensual S&M thrown in. Plus, from what I understand from passages I’ve read online, the writing is even worse than Twilight.

5. Everything is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer. I tried to read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close several years ago (sometime in college, I think) and just could not wade through the ridiculous level of pretension. Bleh.

6. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo. I just don’t see myself ever being motivated enough to tackle this beast of a novel, especially considering that I hate sad things and I’ve seen the musical so I know what happens anyway.

7. The Sound and the Fury – William Faulkner. As I Lay Dying was bad enough. You couldn’t pay me to wade through a book narrated almost entirely by Vardaman, so I don’t think there’s a chance in hell that I’ll ever dive into this one.

8. All The Pretty Horses – Cormac McCarthy. This really goes for pretty much anything by him; I hated The Road, particularly because he apparently feels that he’s above punctuation (NOBODY IS ABOVE PUNCTUATION) and I don’t feel comfortable supporting such obvious flouting of the rules of the English language for no effect other than complete annoyance to the reader. And by the reader I mean me, because apparently some people don’t mind, but screw them, they’re wrong. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens. Technically I’ve already read this—it was assigned to me in ninth grade English­—but I’m pretty sure I skimmed it and then read Sparknotes because goddamn, is this book boring. Plus, the library book I had was easily several decades old and reeked of mold, which lent itself to a less-than-pleasant reading experience. I wouldn’t mind revisiting A Tale of Two Cities, though.

10. Rabbit, Run – John Updike. Only because I’ve heard from Andrew that I probably wouldn’t like it or the sequels, and he knows my taste in books pretty well, so I think I can trust him on this one. I have too many other books to read anyway.

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23 thoughts on “Top Ten Books I Will Probably Never Read

    • I was really into classics for a while but I’ve kind of gotten away from them again. In any case, I wouldn’t recommend Dickens to someone who doesn’t like classics!

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  1. oh my god Bridget your reasons are freaking hilarious! Way to hit the nail right on the head. Love this list. I feel exactly the same way about all of them. Thanks for making me laugh out loud today while reading.

    • Hahaha I’m glad you liked my post! I don’t know why but apparently I was really annoyed when I wrote it!

      • Nothing wrong with being annoyed. It really brought out your personality and I love it. I felt like I was having a conversation with you instead of reading a post.

        • Wow, that’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten on my writing! Thank you so much 🙂 That conversation feel is what I aim for, so I’m glad it’s coming across!

    • I’m sure I would probably appreciate Great Expectations more the second time around, but I just don’t care enough to try =P Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  2. I liked The Alchemist, but I’d never heard of it when I read it. Also… Dan gave it to me our first Christmas together because it was one of his favorite books and it is a beautiful collectors edition… So I’m totally biased.

    Totally agree with the rest of these. Les Mis… Would you believe that was the first book my uncle read cover to cover and really liked? He was in college and hated reading until then. I tried reading it…

    • Totally fair to be biased, especially for such an adorable reason!! It’s just really not my thing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be yours or others’.

      Re: Les Mis, wow! That’s amazing. Did he pick it up on his own or was it for a class? I just can’t imagine someone who didn’t like reading saying “Hey, let me pick up this huge-ass novel about the French revolution.” But if he did, all the better for him!

      • No, he seriously just picked it up. I think it was referenced in one of his classes, and so he decided to take a look and apparently just got sucked into the book.

        He’s also the one in the family we refer to as “Ask Greg”. On a trip somewhere? Want to know an obscure or cool fact? Ask Greg. Need to know how many bastard sons King (fill in the blank) had? Ask Greg. He’s probably one of the most intelligent people I know that has a multitude of knowledge and retained his social skills.

    • Hahaha I imagine that would be my reaction too. I don’t really feel the need to remind myself that I don’t like those types of books 🙂

  3. Oh my god, The Alchemist! I was supposed to read that once and I managed about two pages and put it down. It’s on my list of books I’ll never read, but anything by Mitch Albom could also make the list.

    • Yeah, it was rough. I just reread my review of it and still feel perfectly justified in not reading it.

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